December

This month makes me feel even more isolated from humanity. The weather is so perfect it makes me sad and the cold still reminds me of you. The idea of you..really. When I'm walking around late at night letting my mind roam I see skyscrapers instead of suburbia, feel butterflies and hope instead of dreary monotony and my wanderlust is satiated. Something that could have been instead of a sweetly apathetic memory that sometimes makes my chest ache and stomach flip.


December 2010

Say Goodnight To Gravity

Say Goodnight to Gravity.  Nov 2010

I completely erased this song from my brain. Never even knew that it imprinted all these triggers. I suddenly smell A&F and feel the cold weather all around me. I even remember the texture of my old pea coat on my arms and the taste of you and way too much alcohol on my tongue. I think it even made me feel giddy for a minute. Maybe I'll listen to it one more time because I'm such a sentimental sadist. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=07Sz8J3ZPPc

Behold

Behold  Jul 30, 2010

I saw my life branching out before me like the green fig tree in the story.  From the tip of every branch, like a fat purple fig, a wonderful future beckoned and winked.  One fig was a husband and a happy home and children, and another fig was a famous poet and another fig was a brilliant professor, and another fig was Ee Gee, the amazing editor, and another fig was Europe and Africa and South America, and another fig was Constantin and Socrates and Attila and a pack of other lovers with queer names and offbeat professions, and another fig was an Olympic lady crew champion, and beyond and above these figs were many more figs I couldn't quite make out.  I saw myself sitting in the crotch of this fig tree, starving to death, just because I couldn't make up my mind which of the figs I would choose.  I wanted each and every one of them, but choosing one meant losing all the rest, and, as I sat there, unable to decide, the figs began to wrinkle and go black, and, one by one, they plopped to the ground at my feet.  

Razzle Dazzle

Razzle Dazzle  Jul 27, 2010

Time passes. Even when it seems impossible. Even when each tick of the second hand aches like the pulse of blood behind a bruise. It passes unevenly, in strange lurches and dragging lulls, but pass it does. Even for for me.

Cambiamenti

Cambiamenti.  Jan 8, 2009

I can't keep staring at your mouth without wondering how it tastes
I'm with another boy; he's asleep, I'm wide awake
And he tried to win my heart, but it's taken time
I know the shape of your hands because I watch them when you talk
And I know the shape of your body 'cause I watch it when you walk..

Yeah

Yeah  Nov 1, 2008

I want somebody who sees the pointlessness and still keeps their purpose in mind. I want somebody who is a tortured soul, some of the time. I want somebody who will either put out for me, or put me out of my misery.  Or maybe just put it all to words and make me go.. You know I've never heard it put that way. make me go  what did you just say?  I want somebody who can hold my interest.. hold it and never let it fall. Somebody who can flatten me with a kiss that's like a fist, or a sentence that stops me like a brick wall.
If you hear me talking, listen to what I'm not saying.  and if you hear me playing keyboard listen to what i'm not playing.  and don't ask me to put words to all the silences i wrote. don't ask me to put words to all the spaces between the notes. in fact if you have to ask forget it. do and you'll regret it. I'm tired of being the interesting one, i'm tired of having fun for two. Just lay yourself on the line and i might lay myself down by you. but don't sit behind your eyes and wait for me to surprise you. I want somebody who can make me scream until it's funny.. give me a run for my money. i want someone who can twist me up in knots.  i want someone who is not afraid of me or anyone else. In other words i want someone who's not afraid of themself. 

Fantasma

Fantasma.  Oct 20, 2008

Letting go of ideas, expectations and people.

 It only gets easier, dies to a minimal sharpness like a sting left by a needle. A dull constant numbness that slowly fades away.

There's comfort in being intangible.

Wake Up at Dawn

Wake up at Dawn and Ask Her Why a Dreamer Dreams, She Never Dies 

Jun 23, 2008

I want to walk through this doorway
I want to open my mind
I want to pledge my allegiance to all I can find.
I want a car that will crash through the barriers
to a road no one knows.
I want to feel less control,
want to bend and I want to land far from home.

The revolution of the earth around the sun
is the perfect lesson of how it should be.
So if i cannot learn
to journey and return,
to never rest till I've seen all I can see... 

I want to know where the stength of a person lies,
in their past or their future.
Is it in the way that they hurt or they love themselves
or is it all an illusion?
I want to crawl from this skin that i'm painted in...
Body, please let it give.
I want to find the creator of all good things
and ask what it means to live...

Death

Jan 26, 2008
 The thought of that kind of lonlieness just bugs me. It's just so weird how someone is here one day cracking jokes with you and then they're just gone. Here's your hole in the dirt, we're going to put you here, and no one will ever see your body again. 


 I  feel like hopping in a car with Steph and driving some random place. With the windows down, our favorite songs playing. The French Quarter sounds nice..riding a trolley in the Garden District and walking around looking at the ghoulish mansions. Seeing your breath blow in front of you from the cold and smelling the riverfront and a hint of cajun food. I think I'll have some coffee and re-read the Vampire Chronicles

Homesick

Homesick.  Aug 16, 2007

You know that point in your life when
you realize the house you grew up in isn't really
your home anymore. All of a sudden, even though you have some place where you put your shit...that idea of home is gone. Just sorta happens one day, and it's gone.You feel like you can never get it back. It's like you feel homesick for a place that doesn't even exist.You won't ever have that feeling again until you create a new idea of home for yourself. I don't know. But I miss the idea of it, you know?

Life - As I Know It

Life - As I Know It.  2007

Feelings are webbed together. Sometimes I can’t sort out the good and the bad. It’s like dipping your hand in a jar full of honey and it just oozes off.   It’s snowing in Chicago and I’m bundled up, walking against the cold. Alone. Thinking.  Optimistic. Happy I’m alone, but restless all the same. 

 I enjoy the solitude and thoughts of the future. The illusion of love. The illusion of a life I’ve yet to meet, faces yet seen, and rocks left unturned. Can I give that up? Is something wrong with me? Wrong in my head? I can’t accept good enough. It’s never good enough. The grass is always greener in my head, in someone else’s bed.